My days were very full day of meetings and processing through emotions.  I was surprised at how certain places and people just unlock this deep cavern in my soul.  I’ve really only noticed it before around a few people and just recently at church.  I guess my soul just understands that FEFC is a safe place and there it is allowed to be free.  I walk through the doors and I instantly take a deep breath, most times without even realizing it.  Sometimes my eyes even well up with tears as I pull into the parking lot.

Church is a place where I know I am accepted, I am loved and I am valued.  I wish it was like that every place I went but sadly my insecurities don’t let that happen.  But church is different.  And even certain people in my life bring it out in me too.  My dear friend Irene, who also works at the church so it’s a double whammy, can release days and days of pent up emotions inside me by just a simple hug.  Sometimes I feel like a heap of emotions or a basket case when I see her and instantly start to cry but she takes it like a champ.  She reaches out and holds me for way longer than I would normally hug someone.

So back to debrief, EFCA National Office gave me that same “safe” feeling.  It was my first time to meet almost everyone there with the exception of 6 people.  Yet, I still felt free.  Free to express my frustrations at my current situation, free to cry, free to share stories, free to not have answers, and free to stop and listen to my gracious father.

Since returning from Africa my life has felt like a whirlwind.  I’m sure to other people it looks like I’ve just been on vacation the whole time with lots of time to sleep in and hang out with friends.  And while I’ve been back almost 2 months, which seems like a long time, I feel like I’ve been a social tornado.  I’m longing for the day when I don’t have anything to do and can be spontaneous.

Between reconnecting with supporters, medical check ups, dental procedures, travels with family, business trips and presentations; I’ve had to think about future plans and that completely stresses me out.  I’m probably going to have to find new permanent homes for my cats because I’m unable to care for them and might be going back into the mission field.  I’m going to have to find temporary work to pay bills until I’m certain as to where God is calling me next.  I need to spend time in prayer and seek counsel for a future in missions.  And I need to find a car for the meantime or future if I do indeed stay in Austin for the long haul.  Oh, and possibly a new housing location.  My sister and her husband have been very gracious as to allow me to stay with them for as long as I need to (rent free!) but I don’t want to intrude on their privacy longer than I need to.

All of these things are causing mountains of stress for me.  So much stress that my back hurts on a daily basis and I think I now need to see a doctor about that!  Each day I’m asked how much progress I’ve made towards achieving my goals.  I don’t even know what my goals are at this point.  It’s a little depressing to be asked for a progress report each day and have nothing to say but feel like I’ve spent the whole day just trying to figure it out or make some progress that I can report about.

So I’ve decided to take the month of February off.  Well, at least as much as I can.  I’m going to spend the next few weeks in prayer and on silent retreats.  Time to rest and reflect.  I’d like to put my updates and journal into some sort of book along with my pictures that I can refer back to when life gets really hard.  God has provided for me and loved on me so much and in such tangible ways last year that I don’t want to forget them.  I don’t want to stress out about the little details when God’s already shown me that He’s in control of all of it.  As my friend Lois told me, “He’s held you in his hands this long, He’s not going to drop you now.”

Who knows, one day maybe I’ll publish my book and hopefully it will encourage someone else to trust that God is sufficient.

Today I am going to write about what is on my mind.  It’s been 6 weeks since I left Sudan and my heart feels like it has a slow leak.  It’s not a big gaping wound because I was ready to come home but it’s the type of wound that is hard to detect and even harder to heal.  People would ask me if I was ready to come back to the states and I would always respond by saying “I’m ready to go home but I’m not ready to leave.”

Last year was difficult.  It has been the hardest year of my life but also the richest.  I got a small glimpse into what it looks like for Christ to be sufficient for all my needs.  For God to be my source of comfort when all day long I was uncomfortable.  To see joy amidst pain and suffering.  To know that there was nothing physically I could do to help some of my friends other than pray and how those prayers were answered faithfully by our Creator.

So if I saw all these things last year and I know how faithful God is then why do I feel like I’m drowning right now.  Why was it so easy for me to trust God last year but now that I’m back in the land of comfort it’s so difficult?  I came across a few verses this morning that really seemed to pinpoint exactly what I’m feeling.

Psalm 119:82 My eyes fail, looking for your promise; I say, “When will you comfort me?”

Psalm 119:116 Sustain me according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed.

Psalm 119:144 Your statues are forever right; give me understanding that I may live.

So that’s what I’m feeling  but this is how I want to feel:

Psalm 1:1-6 Blessed is the man who does nt walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers.  But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night.  He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither.  Whatever he does prospers.

Not so the wicked!  They are like chaff that the wind blows away.  Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish.

My last picture taken in Nagishot.

]]> http://cmccravey.wordpress.com/2010/01/27/time-to-process/feed/ 0 cmccravey IMG_1698 http://cmccravey.wordpress.com/2009/08/15/8th-month/ http://cmccravey.wordpress.com/2009/08/15/8th-month/#comments Sat, 15 Aug 2009 18:42:06 +0000 cmccravey http://cmccravey.wordpress.com/?p=191 ]]> I’m almost half way through my 8th month in Africa.  This is the first time I actually have enough internet to update this thing.  So much to update and that will have to come later.  Right now, I’ll just fill you in on what is currently happening.

I’m currently in Nairobi at the Mayfield Guest House, where I’ve spent almost 6 of the past 8 weeks.  Don’t get me wrong I love being in Nairobi.  I get to connect with the outside world, I get to eat food that reminds me of home, I get to see movies, and I get to meet new people that are working all over Africa.  Of course what I didn’t count on was staying up until 3am every night just to chat with family and friends in the States since that’s when they are awake.  I also didn’t know that it would take several days to run the simplest of errands like going to the dentist or dry goods shopping.

So while I come out to Nairobi to rest that never seems to happen.  It’s like stimulation overload and I have no filter to tell me when I’ve had enough.  I feel the need to see as many movies as I can while I can.  To eat as much food and as many times at Nairobi Java House  because it’s within walking distance.  And to be honest to spend hours upon hours on Facebook just looking through pictures to see what everyone has been doing while I’ve been here.  It’s exhausting! 

I haven’t wanted to spend so much time in Nairobi.  Last month I spent 3 weeks here because I was evacuated from Nagishot due to some tribal problems in Napep.  This month was my scheduled holiday and then it was extended almost 2 weeks because of a plane crash that has grounded the airline I normally fly.  So knowing I had at least 10 full days left in Nairobi with nothing to do (well not nothing but nothing fun) I decided to take a spontaneous trip to the beach.

Normally I don’t vacation by myself but it didn’t sound like such a bad idea.  So Monday I made up mind to go and Wednesday I was sitting on the banks of the Indian Ocean watching the tide go out to sea.  This resort was amazing!  They had everything I wanted or needed so I didn’t have to venture off their grounds.  My room was as close to the sea as they offered.  I spent 3 full days with no one I knew, no internet, no phone calls or errands to run.  Just me, Jesus and the sea.  It was perfect.  I finally got rest.  I finally went to bed before 12am and woke up feeling refreshed.  It was just what I needed.

So now I feel ready, more than ready, to return to Nagishot.  And that’s a pretty great feeling considering I had almost the exact opposite feeling 6 months ago   More to come!

view from my beach chair

As I prepare for Nagishot and think of all the loose ends that will need to be tied I sit back and thank God for my community.  I have been so blessed by family and friends that have made this new adventure for me so exciting.   Joy and laughter fill my days and I can’t stop smiling (even when I cry) because I am so touched by the way my community loves me.  I hope that I can love my new community as well as I have been loved.

Speaking of love… yesterday my sister, niece, mom and I made our way to San Antonio for a little girls weekend.  We spent the day at Sea World and then stayed in a fancy hotel where we jumped on beds and stayed up late watching movies.  Olivia had a blast!  She loved all the animals and especially loved that they were so far away.  We’re working on her fear of animals slowly.  She did see a giant Shamu dressed up as Santa and despite our warnings decided she wanted to touch him.  Here’s our family photo from the occasion:

As the days count down to my departure new expenses have popped up.  I’m a planner, it’s my nature and “pop ups” can really wreak havoc on my mental health.  Earlier this year I was diagnosed with allergy induced asthma.  It was just a minor inconvenience until I went to try and order a whole year’s worth of meds.  There are no generic versions of inhaled steroids so my total asthma meds were around $1,200 for the year.

Initially I was freaked out.  I had planned on spending a few extra hundred dollars for a year’s supply of contacts for next year but I had no idea my RX’s would be triple that amount.  So, I worried a lot and told a few friends and family members about it who all gave me great counsel and told me to pray about it.  And God answered every single prayer!  He gave me  through some very gracious friends a free eye exam and a years worth of contacts!  And through my wonderful community at church he gave me $1,200 for my asthma medicine!

Praise be to God!!  I wish I knew everyones name who contributed towards it so I could personally hug them and thank them in person.  God has taught me so much through others this year and I have been so blessed to have the family and community that He has given me.  THANK YOU!!!

I am also currently working on my December newsletter, I know I have been seriously slacking!  I do have one prayer request in the meantime.  There has been a minor problem with my Kenya visa being delivered and has been sent back to the Kenya Embassy in Washington DC along with my passport.  Please pray that all of this will be sorted out in a timely fashion and that I will receive the paperwork I need along with my passport.

Thanks so much!

It’s still really exciting and God continues to confirm that this is where He wants me.  However, it’s starting to get a little harder emotionally for me.  I am thankful that I will have 6 weeks after I stop working to spend with friends and family.  I hope to be able to soak up as much of their time as possible 

I still need to update my October newsletter and send it out.  Hopefully I will have time this weekend to do that.

I thought it would be a movie about the sex slave trade industry and it was for a lot of the movie but it was also about human trafficking and the slave trade in general.  I feel that I almost need to see it again to fully process internally what I saw.  There are a few things that have stayed with me and that I continue to think through.

1. Matisyahu sings a song in the movie called Time of Our Song and in the chorus is the line “I’m the arrow, you’re my bow.  Shoot me forth and I will go”.  I can’t get this lyric out of my head.  It’s exactly how I feel and how I want to feel all at the same time.  I can’t watch a movie like that and not do anything.  But I have no idea where to get started so I must lean on God to be my bow and show me.

2. Julia Ormond makes the very valid point that the people who run these trafficking rings (sex, drugs, and arms) are vested, they are in it for the long haul.  They even have a slight tolerance for abolitionists because they know that they can out last us.  We have to want it more than they do to actually make a difference and save people’s lives.

3.  There’s a large man made lake in Africa, I can’t remember the name.  When the lake was made there was a large wooded portion that no one cleared before the flooding.  So now there are huge trunks sticking up all throughout the lake.  When the fisherman go out to fish their nets often get tangled in the trunks.  So they force children to dive down and free the nets.  They weren’t aware this was a child slavery issue until all the kid’s bodies started showing up on shore.  I believe they have rescued some (not sure if all) of the children and Julia Ormond says you can always tell who they are because they do not know how to smile.  They show a video of the children singing “If You’re Happy and You Know It” and the children look miserable.

Again, I’m still trying to process all of it and will probably need to see the movie again but that’s what I have so far.